There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
