Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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