you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
