if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just had sex on a roof
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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