some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
