get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
