i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
