If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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