6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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