I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
