I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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