I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
