Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
