what day is it and did you see me today?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
