I wish I only lived at night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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