I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i need some magic done to my vagina
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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