Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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