I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
