I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
