I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
