3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
