i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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