his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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