Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
