maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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