Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
