My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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