Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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