I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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