I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
