Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
