I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just blew my weed a kiss
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Pants are for mortals
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
