You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
