all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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