Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
