Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Boobs are out for the taking
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize