Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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