I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
