If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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