He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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