I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
