Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
