arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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