Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
