So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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