Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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