Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
