Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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