Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
