I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
