A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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