The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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