He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
