I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
