i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
