At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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