and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
